8th December - Am I an arrogant prick?

Of course, like most of you, there are times when I feel less than either. Certainly as I've grown older, there seems less of a need for bravado or a big loud 'showing'. We all have moments of anxiety or uncertainty. I was once told that the trick, is to 'appear' confident, even when you're not, much like a Swan. When we view a swan gliding across the lake, they look elegant and graceful. Majestic creatures, with an air of calm about them. But beneath the surface, their legs are frantically paddling to stay afloat and head in their intended direction. Often, what we see above this surface level is not an indication of the truth. 

These days, I'd like to think I'm more 'self-confident' or 'assertive' than 'arrogant'. Though I've never really seen arrogance as a negative trait. Is it not just a heightened form of belief indoor own abilities? There's this analogy, you see, about the Scorpion and the Frog. The Scorpion asks the Frog for a lift across the river, using his back as a ferry, and at first the Frog is dubious. "Why should I trust you?" he asks the Scorpion. "You're a Scorpion, you'll sting me." The Frog eventually lets him climb on, after much persuasion and just as they're about to reach the other side, the Scorpion stings him. "Ouch! Why did you do that?" the perplexed Frog asks, in agony. "Because I'm a Scorpion", he replies.

Essentially, we are who we are, and very little can change that at our core. We can look to improve, or become a better version of ourselves, but internally, we can't change our fabric. As a child, I was supremely intelligent, a real leader of the pack. Class clown, charismatic, personable. I'm still all of those things, but I've learned how to quell them and dampen them on the outside, because I don't want to appear like this extroverted 'show-off' anymore. I've found that some of the greatest successes come from silence. I knew such a life lesson even at the age of 15, but the way I chose to represent it was in a manner full of arrogance.

A few months before our GCSE exams, a very concerned teacher of mine, Mrs. Amos, who had not only taught me English for 5 years and recognised my potential, but also acted as my form tutor, helping me with any personal maters etc, wrote a letter home to my Mother. My Mum opened it, and ripped into me, hard. As did Mrs. Amos. Because the letter detailed how I'd recently achieved a score of 0% in my English mock GCSE. These 'mock' exams were taken in the same silent test conditions as the real things and were intended to get us ready for the real event. But, crucially, our score/performance in them didn't count in any way to our actual grade. I'd written NOTHING in my mock, not even a scratch of my biro on the paper. I used the 90-minute slot afforded to me, to have a nap on my desk instead, much to the amusement of all the other hundreds of students packed into the school hall during the test. "What are you doing?!" she bellowed. "You're wasting your talent! How dare you. This says your grade is a 'U'. This is SERIOUS, Jake, you need to buckle up and sort your shit out"... Yaddah yaddah yaddah, all I heard was a droning noise of nagging, whilst I stayed in my ice-cool, refrained state. 

"I'll turn up on the day", I smirked, nonchalantly. My Mum, in her fit of rage, questioned what I meant by such a statement. "On the day, when it matters, I'll actually try, and I'll smash it", I quipped. But the teachers, and parents, saw a link between the grades students achieved in their mocks, and the real thing. This was normally a barometer, an indication of exactly how the student was going to fare. Such was my own confidence in my ability, when the real exam came around, I put pen to paper, and didn't even need to breathe of my results envelope two months later to know what greeted me inside... English Language - A*. English Literature - A*. In my head, and much to their amazement, it was never in doubt. But the way I'd chosen to represent myself in that moment had me look like an arrogant prick. Am I an arrogant prick now? No...

... But I was once. Because we're all Scorpions.