11th October - Better Than Sex?

You'll often hear groups of middle aged women orgasming over a chocolate cheesecake or similar in local pubs/restaurants, as they loudly declare to their friends 'Ooooh, this is better than sex!' with every forkful. Such comment is usually accompanied by a cacophony of cackles, though I can only assume you don't have particularly satisfactory sex, Janet. In all honesty, very few things in life are 'better than sex', as we are preconditioned mentally to want to partake in the activity as regularly as possible due to our own psychological predeterminations as a species. We are, subconsciously, aware that failure to procreate would lead to eventual extinction of the human race. 

However, that being said, though the Greene King custard flan might not quite fall into 'Better Than Sex' status, I may have found one thing that does... The removal of wax from the ear canal. My own adventures with wax started in my teen years. My Mother would remark that I'm deaf on account of me mishearing her fast-spoken style on numerous occasions, though prior to my first ever flight at the age of 19, I took myself down to the local nurse, who syringed a huge ball of wax out into a big metal cup I was asked to hold underneath my ear (like those silver ones that they serve milkshakes in at 'Byron' or 'GBK'). I instantly felt clarity. A warm, wet, refreshed feeling, like my brain could 'breathe' and I could hear 200% more clearly.

At regular intervals over the next decade I'd book myself in for yearly visits to replicate this procedure, often attempting it myself at home with cotton earbuds. In 2011, a ball so large it engulfed my entire fingernail fell out, producing an instant reaction of vomit within my partner at the time, who observed the entire process with disgust and amazement. These days, the NHS no longer offer free ear syringing (Tory cuts), and instead ask you to pay for it in places like Specsavers, which charge upwards of £50 for the manoeuvre. As lockdown approached in 2020, I tried it myself with a biro, but the lid got stuck inside and I pushed the wax right onto my drum. I was left fully deaf for two weeks, pouring oil into my ears every night to try to loosen the blockage whilst playing the brashly coloured and volumed 'Team Sonic Racing' continuously on mute for a fortnight.

Eventually, it crackled away, with huge chunks of yellow slime appearing on my pillow every morning, and today, as I once again poked and prodded inside with a cotton bud, my fiancee looked at me with bemusement on her face as I made a series of enjoyable moaning and groaning sounds at the extreme pleasure achieved from such a movement. Plucking the slender tool out and observing the gunky brown mess on the tip (steady!), I couldn't help but feel an ultimate sense of warm fuzzy achievement. There are very few things in this world than are more enjoyable than the ol' rumpy pumpy, but removing wax from your ears, might just be...

... Better Than Sex.