26th August - Self Destructing


For those of you who have suffered with mental health issues over the years, (which I’m guessing is most of you), you’ll be all too familiar with the ability to self destruct. When your mental state dips, for whatever reason, you might feel sluggish, demotivated, and generally a bit lacklustre. For some, it ends there, but for others (myself included), you can often fall into a spiral of self-destructing which you’re fully aware of, but struggle to prevent. This can mean neglecting personal friendships by not having the energy to truly respond to messages or fuel conversations with the energy they deserve. It can mean wanting to be left alone, or the thought of social meetings can leave you feeling anxious and exhausted before they’ve even begun. 

Then there’s your own personal health. I always fall into a certain level of self-abuse during these periods. I might start eating shit food (specifically sugar/chocolate, I call it the ‘man-strual cycle’) to comfort myself, or put little effort into my appearance, preferring comfortable clothing like old t-shirts, worn out socks, or comfy sliders. Right now, my beard has become bushy, and my hair is long overdue a cut. The hectic nature of my lifestyle has left me feeling burnout, not for the first time this year. To many, it may appear laughable. I’ve just spent two weeks in the United States. True. But as fun as the trip was, this was no ‘beach with a book’ vibe, it was 30,000 steps of pounding pavements every day. We worked out we’d clocked up the equivalent of a marathon (26 miles) every 2 days, for a fortnight. Throw in several flights, adjusting to several timezones, and the ‘West to East is a Beast’ jetlag, and I think I feel less refreshed now than when I departed!




When you’re in need of energy, and refuelling your life somehow, the first thing you want is to be surrounded by those you love most, and those who bring you comfort. I’m currently away from my partner 5 days and nights per week due to work, and though FaceTime can bring a certain level of satisfaction, it’s nowhere near the same as the real thing. If this diary entry sounds entitled, or whingy, I really do apologise. After all, what have I got to feel ungrateful for? I’m healthy, I have all the food, shelter, and water, I’ll ever need. Unlike those in Ghana, where I’ve seen the struggles with my own eyes. On Monday, I told my partner I feel like I need a holiday. I even scoffed at how ridiculous the remark was, given the amount of time I’ve spent off-shore this year. But I’ll always remember something Russell Brand remarked on, which was that wherever he travelled to, he couldn’t feel 100% happy, because HE was there. Fixing your own happiness first, is the key to then enjoying all the other parts. It’s a small step, but tomorrow I’m booked in for a haircut. They’ll sort my beard too, and feeling better physically is often the first step to feeling better mentally. I hope what follows is the motivation to change the bedding, to throw some nicely ironed clothes on… 



… And to resist the urge to self-destruct.


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