26th July - Last Night: The Full Script...

HELLO LONDON! Look at you lot, ya sexy bunch of cunts! One thing I've learned tonight is that you're a very fucking rowdy bunch, but I'm cool with that and I think I know why that's the case... I can see a few pint glasses floating about. You on the sesh tonight? Of course you are, it’s a Monday night! You’re British! Every night is a fucking drinking night!

So as you just heard, my name is Jake. So naturally you might think it’s spelt with a J but no, no it’s spelt in a very weird way actually! It’s... Y... I… was bullied at school. 

I was a good kid when I was at school to be fair. I had a really decent rapport with Mr Chitsenga, my Maths teacher. Great bloke he was, Mr Chitsenga. He was 6 foot 5, and from Nigeria, and he’d always give me the best grades. He said: "Oh my god Jake, you are so talented", and I said... *GAG GAG GAG* (Makes deep-throating noise). 

I’m from Oxford, which as you may know, is a very affluent area. My mum is a very posh woman. She did say she was gonna be here tonight, but she’s actually out doing the weekly food shop, in Starbucks.

To be fair though… When we were growing up, she always made sure we had a good breakfast in the mornings. We’d have whatever she was having. So usually a box of Pinot Grigio. 

To be honest, the main reason I’m here tonight is that I’m really hoping to do something I’ve never done before, which is last for 5 minutes. 

The other reason is that I wrote down my new year’s resolutions at the start of the year. The top one was “I’m gonna try stand up comedy.” The other one was that this year, I’m gonna work on being less condescending. If you don't know what that means, condescending means talking down to people. Explaining things to people like they're stupid... Do you understand?

Talking of patronising arseholes… I don’t think it’s fair that Babestation are only allowed to show tits after 11, but BBC Parliament can show cunts all day.

I did had some good news before I came on tonight though, my sister called me and told me she’s pregnant!… So I’m gonna be a dad! 

Haha nah I do have children, though. Anyone here have children? I’ve got two beautiful sons, well… ONE beautiful son. The other's not much of a looker. Takes after his mum.

Anybody here on Tinder? Luckily I’m not on dating apps anymore. I noticed the thing girls always ask for on those things, is your height. Especially on dating apps. I’m 6 foot, 2 inches. Those are two separate measurements. 

My Biggest strength in a relationship is loyalty. My biggest weakness?.. Is Jaffa Cakes. 

My current girlfriend is 27 years old. Her name’s Sarah. And you know the BEST thing about sex with 27 year olds? There’s 20 of them!

Nah, She’s a lovely girl though, Sarah, she really is. Our sex life, is, AMAZING. I remember the first time I ever went down on her, and she was shaking. I mean, she does have Parkinson’s.

She asked me to go to the doctors recently. She said she thinks I'm autistic. Which means a lot to me, cuz I was always a big fan of 'Art Attack' when I was growing up.

I went along, and he had a look at me, and he said “Jake, you have to stop masturbating.” And I asked him “why?”, and he said “because I’m trying to examine you.” 

So I used to actually work as a pizza delivery driver. These days though, I work as a gynaecologist. On both occasions, I was only ever allowed to smell it, but never eat it. 

Before that, I was a taxi driver, I used to drive one of those old style London black cabs, with a little security camera in the back... But I got in trouble with the council because they said it wasn’t a real taxi.

 

But yeah I’m 32 now, I still can’t grow facially hair properly, it’s very annoying. I can see there’s a few people here in in the front row who’ve got a thicker moustache than I have.... the women, mainly.

On the subject of facial hair actually.., They say you can’t be funny AND sexy. But I feel I’ve disproved that theory. Cuz I’m neither. 

Anyone here got any pets? I’ve got a little peacock. But enough about my willy. My girlfriend’s got a rabbit. He lives in the bedside drawer.

I’ve got a few friends and family in the crowd here tonight. My best mate Lewis has come to watch, give us a  shout Lewis. He’s a good lad, I’ve know him for quite a few years now, and I love him because he reminds me of my Uncle Fred, who tragically died a few years back, alongside my Auntie Rose.

I’m glad you laughed at that one. It’s been a tough day. A really tough one. I actually overdosed on viagra earlier this morning. I’d go as far as saying, it’s been the hardest day of my life. 

The reason I take viagra is that I’ve had a lot of issue recently with erectile dysfunction. Anyone else had that?….. (pause) Fucking liars! But I'm a firm believer in never giving up, like having sex when you're drunk. Usually if that happens and I’m struggling to get it up, we’ll put something on the TV in the bedroom, something to get me going ya know? Something to watch, to get me hard. I usually choose “One born every minute”. 

I did take Sarah to meet My Nana Pat a few years ago, but Nanny never liked her unfortunately. They never got on. My grandma warned me about her, said she was trouble. I was quite offended by that, ya know? I took it personally. But I’ll always remember her fondly, my nan. Bless her. I’ll never forget what she said to me just before she died… She said, what you doing in here with that hammer? 

I’m glad all the lockdowns have ended now, it means we can fly again!  I was in the airport recently, in fact. Ryanair. And I got to the front desk, and the woman behind the counter said to me, “Sir, you’ve overweight.”  I couldn’t believe it, never did I think I’d ever receive such rude customer service. I said “listen, I know, I’m gonna go on a diet in January, I promise”. She looked down at my suitcase and she said “no sir, the case. It’s 23kg, you’re gonna need to pay an extra thirty quid.” 

I don’t like airports though. I hate the security bit. You’re waiting for ages and then you have to take all your clothes off, and then put them all on again just two minutes later. A bit like sex, to be honest. 

 

LONDON, YOU'VE BEEN AMAZING. I'VE BEEN JAKE WITH A 'Y'...

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!