19th July - Top 10 Ice Lollies



We've fucked the world due to global warming and now, this is what we're gonna get every year until we die. Or actually, considering the increasing temperatures year-upon-year, maybe Earth will perish before we do. It's almost 40C in the U.K today, and yes yes - I hear you Americans/Australians - it's not that hot - but try it in a country where all homes have been built to keep the warmth IN, with carpeted floors and no A/C systems. With that in mind, we're all currently doing our best Abella Danger impressions, deep-throating the contents of the freezer in a desperate bid for salvation. With that in mind, here are the Top 10 ice lollies, a tough ranking which even sees family favourites such as Feast, Mini Milk, and Calippo, missing the cut!


10. Cornetto

Made iconic by 'The Cornetto Trilogy' of films (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and the other one that nobody cares about), the Cornetto is a solid selection but the cone to ice cream ratio is still a little too high, especially when compared to the whippy and gooey joy of a 69 99. 





9. Fab

See, the Fab gets a hard time on account of how 'basic' it is, but this is the ultimate Neapolitan on a stick. First, you start with the sweet goodness of the nobbly bobbly (more on those later), then a thin later of creamy white topping (steady!), washed down by the refreshing fruit flavour. Fab! 

8. Mars

The Mars bar as itself, is a thing of the past now, in my eyes. What was once a hearty treat for kids in the 70s, has now been surpassed by rival new kids on the block, such as the Kinder Bueno, or Orange Twirl. But throw that caramel middle into an ice cream bar, and suddenly this classic is reborn!

7. Twix

Likewise with the Mars, but the Twix offers something very few competitors can... Biscuit. If you've ever felt the cool hard crunch of shortbread inside a frozen nougat centre, you'll be on my side in this debate. A truly supreme selection in the service station freezers.




6. Bounty

Sadly, the Bounty is - much like Mario Balotelli - going to cause mayhem wherever it goes. The controversy over whether or not coconut and chocolate rages on, and though this bar is the run of the litter in 'Celebrations', here it elevates itself thanks to a cool Coconut centre on a Summer day!

5. Twister

The man who has it all. Not only can Twister tantalise us with his constant swirly of lime-induced naughtiness, but his vanilla packed lashings, and big red swollen batty mean we're not looking at a real premiere selection. Top tier, and he knows it.





4. Snickers

We're in the business end now, and the Snickers ice cream will offer you everything the Mars can, but now with the additional feature of nuts running through the heart of the device. The crunch of a salty peanut, combined with the sweet temptation of that chocolately shell is unbeatable.

3. Nobbly Bobbly

Some of y'all can't get over the fact this one looks a bit like genital warts but if you're gonna be bothered by textures all your life, then you might as well give up on Coleslaw, too. An absolute choco-mega-fest, it's the sprinkles which really set these ones apart from their bland siblings. 




2. Solero 

The ultimate Summer selection, as soon as that exotic swirl of mango and passionfruit hits the back of your tonsil, you're transported to a secluded beach with white sands and crystal clear seas. Packed with a moreish middle, many have tried - but ultimately failed - to replicate the euphoria of the Solero.

1. Magnum

The O.G. The King of what came next. But I'm not just talking classic milk chocolate, or even white choc. I'm talking Magnum double caramel. That bad boi is dripping out and oozing all over you, seducing you with every bite. Pure porn on the tongue, the Magnum double caramel is 100% invincible.





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