14th June - Why Men are never sexy

Upon returning from any trip, adult life teaches you that you've found a new arch nemesis as soon as you unzip your suitcase... Laundry. Mountains and mountains of the stuff, and no sooner have you waded through one damp and smelly pile, the bleep of the machine tells you it's time to do another. On the plus side, the word 'laundry' sounds suspiciously like the word 'lingerie', and that's a word which will excite me until the day I die. In fact, a conversation is to be had - and often occurs during pub chats - that a Woman in lingerie is even sexier than a Woman who is fully nude. It doesn't matter how many times we see nipples, there's still something exotic about having to 'unwrap' them to see what's underneath when harnessed in a seductive bra which gets the male community hot under the collar. 

At this point, I should point out that this isn't a diary entry which is safe for my in-laws to read. In fact, I actively hope they stop reading right here. If they don't, I'd urge them to proceed with caution, because I fucking love lingerie, can't get enough of the stuff. If my partner packs that shit in her case for a weekend away, my tail is wagging from the moment we leave the house to the moment we arrive at the hotel. I'm a 24 hour tripod, and there's nothing I can do about it. The thought and excitement at the anticipation of what's to come. I know I'm not the only one, too. Imagine that moment, when they emerge from the bathroom, and you can hear the clink of the heels on the floor with every step, and you look up and find a long thigh in stockings attached to it. If there's one of those suspender belt things waiting at the top of it, even better.

But the joy is bittersweet, because it is accompanied by the realisation that Men are never issued with the same tools to add to their sex appeal. I would never deny the fact that men like Idris Elba, David Beckham, or Tom Hardy are truly beautiful to look at. They probably even smell good. But at the end of it all, they're still just wearing - at very best - a pair of cotton Calvin Kleins, at at worst - a dingy white pair of boxers with moth-hungry holes around the crotch. Men don't have a secret 'ingredient' to boost the anticipation before the blood-sausage emerges from the underwear shaped cave. We have no 'glamour', or 'glitz', just simple basic £5.99 per pair M&S cloth to protect us from our modesty. In the same way a Woman wishing to sample a portion of the special Male burrito tonight can add a luscious red lipstick to her pout, or that smoky look around the extended lashes of her mascara-led eyes, fellas have to get on with it and deal with the face God gave us. No fancy make-up to conceal our blemishes, no contouring to give us a catwalk-ready jaw-line. For this reason, Men can never be 'sexy'. But in all honesty...

... I'm fully satisfied with appreciating the beauty of the female body instead.