6th April - The Scum

Here's a fact you might not know... Only one man has won every general election he's ever faced in the United Kingdom, and that's Rupert Murdoch. The evil media tycoon, who famously owns 'The Sun' amongst many other areas of drivel when it comes to social commentary, had positioned his paper as a publication for the working classes. It is, of course, rare, to find a broadsheet like The Telegraph on the dashboard of a 'white van man''s vehicle. Bacon bap grease and brown sauce ooze and drip onto the norks of 'Sadie, 23, from Kent' who believes that 'Katie Price's latest antics have pushed Peter Andre into the arms of *insert Big Brother celebrity's name here*'. 

Of course, that particular tradition, of 'Page 3' has seen been washed away into the sea of the feminist society in which we now live, (don't look at tits, kids, tits are bad!), but one facet of Murdoch's empire which very much remains in his ability to swing an election. Having backed the Tories for more than 20 years, 'The Scum' as it is - rightly - titled in Merseyside, made headlines (literally) with their infamous switch over to Tony Blair's left-wing allegiance, sensing a shift in political tide in Britain, and perhaps most importantly connecting with the demographic of their chosen audience. (It's 'The Sun' as opposed to 'The Financial Times' which you'll find rolled up for lavatory reading in the bathrooms of most council homes. Trust me, I come from one). 

The result? A landslide victory for the Labour party, with The Sun boldly proclaiming that their influence on the U.K public had been the deciding factor in such a success. Murdoch's support for Labour remained until Autumn 2009, where once again, the rag-tag publication switched back to Tory support, publicly condemning Gordon Brown's handling of the economy, during a crisis which was started far away from the powers of his own reach, thanks to the American banking downfall. Once again, the public were brainwashed by The Sun's daily jabs, permeating into the frail subconscious minds of the mentally weak, who were now convinced that a Labour government were somehow to blame for a global recession which had reached English shores.

Less than a year later, the piggy-fucker himself, David 'Iggle Piggle' Cameron, squealed his way into 10 Downing Street, where he remained (no pun intended), up until the catastrophic clusterfuck of Brexit. Want to know how that 0.5% shift swung in favour of the racists? Ask Britain's most-read newspaper, who came out in favour of Brexit shortly before the referendum, declaring: "We must set ourselves free of the dictatorial Brussels." Sprouts, which are named after the Belgian City, are well known for their flatulence-inducing qualities, and so it was ironic that The Sun shit itself when Ed Miliband posed a serious threat to Cameron's ruling, and were forced into taking a day off from hacking dead civilian's phones, to instead post a now infamous front-page splash of the then-Labour leader clumsily scoffing down a butty in-between meetings. Once again, the public agreed that a man caught in mid-session providing himself with sustenance during another relentless day of campaigning was not the type of leader we wanted for this country. Although it's perhaps odd that the paper has never since commented on the appearance of the scruffy blonde tosspot who now sits in charge of proceedings.

Likewise, we roll back to 2019, when the best 'The Sun' could do to convince working classes that an Eton-educated morally and financially corrupt, proven-liar with a history of narcissistic tendencies was the man who had their best interests at heart, resorting to a terrible smear campaign to brand Corbyn as an 'anti-semite' in a last-gasp bid to thwart his popularity. Once again, people forgot they were voting for an entire party's legacy, manifesto, history, morals, and ethics, rather than an X Factor man-vs-man contest, and Boris prevailed, cue lockdown double standards, the mishandling of just about everything, the deaths of many innocent folk, scandal after scandal etc etc. The next general election in the United Kingdom will arrive in 2024. I don't need to see into the future to know that whether it's Sunak vs Starmer, or any other concoction of combinations, there's only winner from such proceedings...

... And that's Murdoch.