26th April - Anal Pills

I felt so alive, this morning. Well actually, that's a lie. I've recently managed to slip into this awful habit of going to bed rather late on nights when I know I have to be up early the next morning, and I feel like a potato when I wake up, sluggishly gazing at the notifications on my phone with one half-eye open, as I trudge towards the bathroom to empty my nocturnal bladder. However, I then opened the curtains, noticed the glorious sunshine, and ventured out into the fresh air, and immediately felt this resurgence of energy and gratitude coursing through my veins. 

I popped my headphones on gave myself a blast of my 2/3 favourite tunes at the moment (as I always do, it's an instant mood-booster, give it a try every morning shortly after you wake up!) and then listened to a rather fascinating interview between Piers Morgan and Stevie B en route to the hosp, amid some WhatsApp banter with two of my closest chums. The hosp appointment was nothing serious, a waste of my time if I'm being honest, but a year ago, I contracted kidney stones and as per NHS box-ticking admin procedures, they now have to scan me annually to check on said stones and ensure all is okay, after a bout of lithotripsy treatment last Easter. I must admit, I doubted the potency of kidney stones. My ex had them in 2012, but she was the kind of woman who feasted on drama so it was tough to know how seriously to take her pain. She described it as 'worse than childbirth' which I rolled my eyes at somewhat (internally), but actually, she was probably understating it, if anything. 

The excruciating pain I felt during those first 24 or so hours warped me into some kind of mumbling, groaning, pale-white zombie, and it was only when the hospital administered me with some pain relief that I started to return to a somewhat 'normal' state. The punchline in this anecdote? They were suppositories. Translation: There was only one USB port in my body in which they particular antidotes could enter, and that was the rectal cavity. Now then, I've had all manner of items up my bottom over the years. (Nothing sexual, fair play if you're into that sort of thing but I for one am most certainly not. I'm not quite sure how you manage it to be honest, Miss Malkova). But I'm referring to cameras, (little ones, not the massive ones you see on the red carpet at Hollywood awards shows) for colonoscopies, doctor's fingers (well, finger, singular) for prostate exams etc. Each time, it's felt as though I'm pooping but in reverse, and each time I've felt somewhat sick afterwards, with a grumbling gurgle in my lower stomach. Each time, the doctor has also (somewhat flirtatiously) remarked on what an incredibly tight sphincter I possess. More like a cheeky little winking brown starfish, than a gaping impersonation of the Japanese flag.

With this in mind, it was left to my poor, beleaguered other half, to place me into the fetal position on our mattress every night, legs tucked up to my chest, and to push one of these bullet-like white pills (and, may I add, they were excessively large), into my somewhat shy and nervous tunnel of doom (that's true love right there!). So shy, in fact, that one night, that my peachy round tambourine decided to actually spit said pill out with such potent force that it went flying off the bed and shooting across the carpet, skidding past the bright yellow marigold gloves she was wearing for such a task. On a completely different topic, the medic advised that my blood sugar was a bit low today, so to grab an energy booster after session. I opted for an iced vanilla latte, and discovered that I've been making coffee drinking so much more difficult than it needs to be. For around a year now, I've been drinking cold, black, coffee, with no milk, flavouring, sugar, or sweetener. But what I discovered today was an absolute taste sensation. I'm starting to become 'one of you', fellow Coffee addicts. I grabbed an iced caramel latte en route home, but didn't enjoy that one so much. Then again, after what I've mentioned to you in the the paragraphs above regarding my bovril spot...

... Perhaps it's best, for the sake of my dirt-flower, that I lay off the coffees for a bit. 😂