13th Jan - Shagging the Spice Girls

It was only during conversational exchange with an old Uni chum this morning, that it dawned on me (more on what 'it' is, shortly). You see, we were discussing how - during his teen years - he'd misunderstood the phrase 'getting laid', mistaking it for one of the flurry of slang terms used to describe alcohol-based intoxication ('getting trolleyed' etc). It was only, to his horror, that he discovered this, when amongst a group of teenage peers in his local park, loudly proclaiming "I really needed to get laid tonight". Cue an awkward silence. In all honesty, I had endured similar misery myself at a much younger age.

The year was 1997 and the United Kingdom was at the peak of 'Spice Mania', with the 5 pop-superstars gracing the cover of every Pepsi can, and magazine front cover as the Fuller PR machine clattered into overdrive. Though undoubtedly, one of the most successful campaigns involving Geri, Melanie, Victoria, Emma, and Mel's merch-madness was a partnership with Walkers crisps, where each 'Spice' would appear on a varying flavour of the potato snacks, in addition to a nationwide competition where the manufacturers would slip cash notes inside random packets. The scheme worked a treat, shifting over 16 million units across the country, and one particular bag of cheese 'n' chive made their way into the hands of Paul Hardiman. 

Paul was one of the bigger lads in the school, not just in age. He and the rest of their cronies (led by the slender figure of Chris Glass), were around the age of 10/11, peak of the primary school Kingdom. As a 6/7 year-old, I looked up to Paul. Firstly, quite figuratively, as he was a real man-mountain of a boy, and towered over me like Godzilla. And secondly, because he was the Goalkeeper of the school football team, a position I'd look to occupy in future, and he possessed a mint condition version of the bright yellow and green England Euro '96 jersey worn by my childhood hero, David Seaman. "I tell you what," Paul bellowed to his friends, looking down at his crisp packet. "I'd love to shag that Ginger spice!". One now suspects at such a pre-pubescent age, Paul - with his little pink smurf's hat tucked away in his Y-fronts - probably lacked the tools to complete such a task whilst locked in his yet-to-reach-adolescence body, though that didn't quell my thirst to replicate the behaviour of my misogynistic role model. 

Like all good comics, I left it a few hours before repeating the joke (timing is everything), and found a new crowd to test my raw material on (it was a work in progress), using the ears of my fellow 'Year 2' students during an afternoon in the sand pit as my moment to shine. "Hey everyone!", I beamed... Puffing my chest out in true extrovert style. "I wanna shag Ginger spice". No sooner had the words left my lips, and my teacher - who was overseeing this whole shambolic operation - dragged me into the empty sports hall, sitting me down on one of those rock-hard blue gym mats which were somehow meant to provide 'cushioning' from aerobic falls. "What you've said is very serious," she warned me, in a harsh but typically Mumsy tone. "Do you even know what it means?"

"Yes...", came my reply, brain still scrambling round for an answer which wouldn't make me look like a total idiot. "When you shag them... Well... It's basically... When you sex them, but you kiss them as well." Case closed, I must have looked like a Grade-A twat. She let me off the hook shortly after that, allowing me to slip back into class. But it dawned on me, that those memories, of 'my' era, are the greatest I possess. The 90s (and everything involved with it) surely cement the decade's reputation as the finest we've ever witnessed. Brit-Pop and the Oasis/Blur rivalry, The Gameboy and the Playstation/N64 rivalry, New Labour, Toy Story, Gazza and Shearer & the gang running riot at Wembley, Sonic The Hedgehog, and LEGO, and Super Mario. Hot Wheels cars, and Goosebumps books. Rugrats and Pokemon and Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles. Super Mario, and Britney Spears. Or S Club 7 and The Lion King. Michael Jordan, Space Jam, and the Chicago Bulls. Jurassic Park, Sunny Delight, Opal Fruits, Kenan & Kel, and Panda Pops. 

If the 90s were represented in human form... I'd probably want to shag it.