21st December - How to Lose Half a Stone in a Day



I'm here today to talk to you about a fantastic new weight loss initiative, which can assist you in losing up to 7 lbs in less than 24 hours. That's right, all your dieting needs are met with a simple bout of Norovirus. After (accidentally) partaking in this challenge myself between Monday-Tuesday, I can confirm that Norovirus will strip you of all your basic human decency, pride, or ability to even form cohesive sentences. 





Why waste hoards of money on protein powder and gym memberships, when you could be shitting gravy 20 times through the night, wet-farting in your pants outside the Luton Premier Inn, or filling up two Quality Street tub-sized bowls with endless flurries of your lumpy vomit? In addition to these brilliant fat burning solutions, Norovirus also allows you to shiver with fever, and shake like a pale, shitting dog, due to extreme dehydration and exhaustion. 




So what are you waiting for? Ignore SlimFast, and other 'fad' diets, your time is now! Don't delay, lick a contaminated surface today. Norovirus... Out now, in all poorly disinfected places. 





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