10th Mar - Misunderstood: A confession...

Misunderstandings are the biggest cause of negativity in modern day society. Whether in friendships, relationships, or even employment situations, often crossed wires arise and we're too inhibited to 'clear the air' via simple, effective communication through fear of looking vulnerable, rude, insecure, or too frank. Perhaps one of the biggest case studies in the realm of being misunderstood unravelled before my eyes last night when watching 'Jeen-Yus', the new Kanye West trilogy on Netflix. 

With almost 5 hours worth of footage in the bank over the course of three individual mini-movies, the documentary charts the highs and lows of the hugely divisive character, in a chronological order. What we have to understand, about anybody, is that from a psychological standpoint, every fine detail of the way we behave is the result of life experiences, and events which have happened within our consciousness. I thought about giving you a few examples of even the peers who surround me, with aliases given for identification privacy, but I'd not want to ruffle any feathers, so - with zero fucks given on how I'm perceived - I'll give you a few glimpses inside my own psychological rhetoric, and I thank the world for giving me the wisdom to be able to self-analyse so accurately, and brutally honestly:

As a child, I grew up surrounded by a promiscuous, alcoholic Father, who was highly violent, and constantly let me down. My Mother, having not successfully dealt with her own trauma from the death of her own Mother shortly after her 12th birthday, also suffered huge problems with anger management, and violence, and gained to seek control over her life, in the form of an extreme OCD. She felt guilty about how these impacted on me, and would use food as a therapy to me in an attempt to cheer me up. Later on in life, I put all my love and trust into an individual who betrayed me - and my expectations on what love, loyalty, and trust could ever be - in such a vile manner, that I myself became cold. I became ruthless, brutally honest, clinically methodical, and channelled my mindset into a relentless work/hustle/entrepreneurial mindset to block out any thoughts of personal life, until I was 'healed' and ready to learn how to love again.

This is not, in any capacity, a 'sorrow diary', I'm not here to gain sympathy or hear the bows of tiny violins swirling in the background. I'm simply emphasising a psychological example. The violence of my Mother and Father has turned me off aggression in such a way, that I'm almost infamous for my reluctance to ever express any sort of anger. Never ever, will I raise my voice, nor my hands, in any situation, instead choosing to discuss things with a calm rationale which can often actually unnerve others in the heat of a situation, such is how rare such a personality trait has become in modern society. My Father's own alcoholism means I'll rarely touch a drink other than occasional 'bursts' during party situations such as a festival, and I can happily explore long periods of months, or even years, without alcohol. His promiscuous nature was one I inherited, albeit briefly, during my 'experimental' years of University and a single London-life in my mid-to-late 20s, whilst my Mother's OCD has seen me take on my own compulsive traits, such as instantly unpacking my bags/belongings in any hotel/holiday type situation, finding a 'place' for everything I own so that I'm (mentally) in control of my own destiny, or organising my schedule for each day of the month, down to a tee, so that I'm never left feeling disorganised or 'out of sync'. This relates back to how my Father would always let me down. I have since taken the stance that in any situation, once you say your'e going to do something, you HAVE to achieve it and there is no alternative. Never will I miss my Son's birthday(s), or a deadline for a client, it's simply inconceivable. As for my relationship with food, that teenage boy with the box of Jaffa Cakes in his hands is still stuck inside of me, as I've previously explored here. 

What I'm trying to say, is that the way people act, ALWAYS stems back to what they've seen/heard/felt etc. Kanye himself is viewed as some kind of deluded, arrogant, self-entitled behemoth in the public eye. But as this documentary proves, up until the death of his Mother, Donda, in 2007, even in the face of widespread public acclaim and super-stardom, West was still a superbly humble young man, who openly spoke about how much he loved the single-mother who had raised him, and even devoted raps to her. There's a poignant moment where she tells him that, "A Giant looks in the mirror and sees nothing," in a - successful - attempt to keep him grounded. But without that figure in his life anymore, his ego unravelled, and surrounded by 'yes men', he was led down a path of mental turmoil, including anxiety and bi-polar disorder, and ultimately, self-destruction. "The ego...", commented one particularly philosophical YouTube user on the video of Kanye's 'Through The Wire', "... Is only born when nobody believes in you, so you go and accomplish it all yourself." Next time you judge somebody, maybe remember that comment, and ask yourself...

... Are they just misunderstood?