19th Jan - Ranking British Supermarkets

I woke up today with a distinct lack of nausea down the gullet, which - based on the past few days - has proved a dramatic improvement, and gladly, my motivation has returned. Though I currently type this at the end of a hugely hectic double-servings day of work - in no small part down to my extreme lack of motivation yesterday - I'm gearing up for the highlight of any quarter-life crisis' week... A trip to ALDI. That's right, we'll be perusing the middle aisle tonight like never before, so get your glad-rags on, and dust off those boogie-boots, it's time to rank the Supermarkets of the United Kingdom:

Tesco: The big dog. The O.G. You know where you stand with Tesco. You can pop down your local Express for some a few bags of Jelly Babies with the Mrs. You can peruse the big one late on a Tuesday night for a really surreal experience where the only other people in there are the night staff with those huge roll-cages down the aisles restocking all the shelves. Or sometimes you get really lucky and you end up in one of those giant fuckers with an 'upstairs' to it, leading you in via the big slow-moving escalator-runway thingy, like a tractor beam sucking you up into a spaceship. Plus, if you've got a Clubcard, the price of your total shop is instantly transformed from £60.38 to a bargain £2.74. Lovely. 

Sainsburys: Like to think they rival Tesco, but the layout is often chaos, and those white and brown speckled floors need replacing pronto. Decent deli-counter, to be fair. But have you ever looked up, inside a Sainos? I wouldn't recommend it. The roofing is always unfinished with giant pipes and general plumbing hanging out like a semi-comprehensible Printworks.

Asda: The slogan states 'That's why Mum's go to Iceland', but the true MILF-hunters reading this will know by now that ASDA is littered with them. Usually down aisle 13, where those ready-made pots of sandwich filler are, because they're too lazy to mix in real tuna-mayo for little Tyler, who is just coming up to Year 5 and wears his astro-turfs round the store, performing the 'SIUUU' celebration in front of the 'George' mirrors. 

Morrisons: It usually smells in here. A hearty concoction of unemployment, unpaid council tax bills, and all-round poverty. Don't hate me for making the observation, hate the Tories for putting people in this situation. The prices are cheap, but you get what you pay for and your carrier bags are likely to split in the car-park, whilst your fellow shoppers watch you scrambling around on the damp concrete to chase after your rolling cans of baked beans, deciding today is the day they fancy going on an adventure.

ALDI: The creme-de-la-creme of budget shopping options, I absolutely adore this place because, quite frankly, they don't give a fuck. After winding up the Boris-loving M&S demographic with their iconic Cuthbert vs Colin battle, the ALDI social media team keeps pushing the boundaries on a daily basis, edging to the closest possible line of their next copyright court-battle, all in hilarious fashion. 

LIDL: The best way I can describe this, is that if ALDI is Tesco, LIDL is Sainsburys. Essentially, LIDL and ALDI - despite doing their absolute best to differentiate themselves, sort of feel like the same shop. LIDL loses points here on the wank fresh produce which has already gone moudly before you can get home and shove it in your fridge, but do gain points for those toffee yum-yums from the in-store bakery.

 

Waitrose: In terms of overall shopping experience, it's by far the most soothing. The spaced-out aisles, the breezy air conditioning, this is grocery-based meditation. But sadly, there are no ups without downs, and this gaff is absolutely rammed to the Rishi Sunaks with posh twats. They wear sweaters over their shoulders like they're on a Golf course, and walk with such an incredibly slow arrogance that your trolley regularly - and intentionally? I'll let you decide - crashes into their ankles.

Marks & Spencer: Technically, it's not really a food store. But fuck me, have you tried those prawns? Or the Baby Charlotte potato salad? Or the pressed apple juice? Or the chicken tikka bites? Or those cookie dough balls wrapped in chocolate? I've just died and gone to foodgasm heaven. Pure, overpriced, bliss. 

Co-Op: Let's be honest, you only shop here because it's local. Has the pricing of Waitrose, mixed with the (lack of) class of Morrisons. Freezer Fillers deal is a banger, though!

Iceland: It would be snobby and somewhat facetious to pretend that Iceland is anything other than an absolute kid's playground, and I love it. Remember when you were 6 or 7 years old, and your school pal would invite you round his for 'tea'? Not the drinking kind, the kind that northerners call their 'dinner'. You'd end up with a big plate full of fish fingers and potato smiley face and onion rings and it was the best night of your life. That's basically what Iceland is, but for grown-ups. 

Right, bye. Off to ALDI now. Share this blog if you like it. Cheers.